The hardest part of engineering management is the conversations no one wants to have — telling a senior engineer their work is not at the bar, putting someone on a PIP, or letting someone go after they have been on the team for years. The interview will probe these directly. Avoidance is the most common reason an EM gets passed over.
The feedback hierarchy
Feedback comes in degrees, escalating only as needed:
- Coaching feedback — minor course correction, in 1:1, casual
- Constructive feedback — specific behavior + impact, written summary in 1:1 notes
- Formal feedback — written, structured, with timeline for change
- PIP — formal HR-involved process, with consequences
- Termination — last step, after PIP fails or single severe event
Most managers under-feedback at levels 1–3 and then panic-jump to level 4. Avoid this.
Giving difficult feedback well
Use the SBI framework — Situation, Behavior, Impact:
- Situation: “Yesterday in the design review meeting…”
- Behavior: “…you cut off Jamie three times…”
- Impact: “…and the result was we did not hear their alternative, and the team noticed.”
Then offer space — “What is your perspective?” Listen more than you talk.
Common feedback failures
- Sandwich feedback (“you are great, but…, you are great”) — people hear only the praise
- Vague feedback (“be more proactive”) — what does that even mean?
- Feedback by group (“we as a team”) — when it is really about one person
- Feedback after a delay (“3 months ago you…”) — too late to be actionable
- Feedback over Slack — almost always wrong medium
The PIP conversation
If you are putting someone on a PIP, here is what makes it humane and effective:
- No surprises. The person should already know they are not meeting expectations from prior feedback.
- Written, specific expectations. “Improve performance” is not enough. “Ship features X and Y by date Z, with code review approval from team leads” is.
- Reasonable timeline. 30–60 days at most. Anything longer is just delaying.
- Weekly check-ins. Not gotcha audits — coaching opportunities.
- Clear consequences. “If these expectations are not met, the next step is termination.”
- Partnership with HR. Document everything. Follow your company’s process.
The termination conversation
If termination is the right call, do it with as much dignity as you can:
- Schedule a 30-minute meeting at the end of the day, ideally early in the week
- HR should be in the room (in person or video)
- Be direct in the first sentence: “I am ending your employment with us today, effective immediately.”
- Explain briefly what the process is (severance, benefits, transition)
- Do not litigate the decision — it is final
- Allow the person space for emotion
- Provide the next concrete steps (HR will follow up on logistics)
After termination:
- Notify the team that day, with a brief, neutral message
- Do not share details — the departing person’s privacy still matters
- Address any work in progress and reassign quickly
The boomerang of avoiding hard conversations
Managers who avoid hard conversations:
- Lose the trust of high performers (who watch the low performers go unaddressed)
- Get blindsided in calibration when peers cannot defend their reports
- Have to make harder, more sudden moves later
- Lose their own credibility with their manager
Frequently Asked Questions
What if I have never had to fire anyone?
Be honest. Then describe the most difficult feedback you have given and how you would handle a termination if it came up.
How do I balance empathy with directness?
Empathy is about respecting the person. Directness is about respecting the situation. Both, simultaneously. Vague language disguised as kindness is unkind.
What if my own manager is the one needing feedback?
Manage up. SBI framework still applies. Be more deferential about delivery, but the substance should be the same.