# Difficult EM Conversations: Performance, Feedback, and Termination

Source: https://www.techinterview.org/post/3233475016/difficult-em-conversations-performance-feedback-termination/
Updated: 2026-07-13 · techinterview.org

The hardest part of engineering management is the conversations no one wants to have: telling a senior engineer their work is not at the bar, putting someone on a PIP, or letting someone go after they have been on the team for years. The interview will probe these directly. Avoidance is the most common reason an EM gets passed over.

## The feedback hierarchy

Feedback comes in degrees, escalating only as needed:

- **Coaching feedback**: minor course correction, in 1:1, casual

- **Constructive feedback**: specific behavior + impact, written summary in 1:1 notes

- **Formal feedback**: written, structured, with timeline for change

- **PIP**: formal HR-involved process, with consequences

- **Termination**: last step, after PIP fails or single severe event

Most managers under-feedback at levels 1–3 and then panic-jump to level 4. Avoid this.

## Giving difficult feedback well

Use the SBI framework (Situation, Behavior, Impact):

- **Situation:** "Yesterday in the design review meeting…"

- **Behavior:** "…you cut off Jamie three times…"

- **Impact:** "…and the result was we did not hear their alternative, and the team noticed."

Then offer space: "What is your perspective?" Listen more than you talk.

## Common feedback failures

- Sandwich feedback ("you are great, but…, you are great"): people hear only the praise

- Vague feedback ("be more proactive"): what does that even mean?

- Feedback by group ("we as a team"): when it is really about one person

- Feedback after a delay ("3 months ago you…"): too late to be actionable

- Feedback over Slack: almost always wrong medium

## The PIP conversation

If you are putting someone on a PIP, here is what makes it humane and effective:

- There should be no surprises. The person should already know they are not meeting expectations from prior feedback.

- Set written, specific expectations. "Improve performance" is not enough. "Ship features X and Y by date Z, with code review approval from team leads" is.

- Keep the timeline reasonable: 30–60 days at most. Anything longer is just delaying.

- Hold weekly check-ins, not gotcha audits but coaching opportunities.

- State clear consequences: "If these expectations are not met, the next step is termination."

- Partner with HR. Document everything. Follow your company's process.

## The termination conversation

If termination is the right call, do it with as much dignity as you can:

- Schedule a 30-minute meeting at the end of the day, ideally early in the week

- HR should be in the room (in person or video)

- Be direct in the first sentence: "I am ending your employment with us today, effective immediately."

- Explain briefly what the process is (severance, benefits, transition)

- Do not litigate the decision; it is final

- Allow the person space for emotion

- Provide the next concrete steps (HR will follow up on logistics)

After termination:

- Notify the team that day, with a brief, neutral message

- Do not share details — the departing person's privacy still matters

- Address any work in progress and reassign quickly

## The boomerang of avoiding hard conversations

Managers who avoid hard conversations:

- Lose the trust of high performers (who watch the low performers go unaddressed)

- Get blindsided in calibration when peers cannot defend their reports

- Have to make harder, more sudden moves later

- Lose their own credibility with their manager

## Frequently Asked Questions

### What if I have never had to fire anyone?

Say so directly. Then describe the most difficult feedback you have given and how you would handle a termination if it came up.

### How do I balance empathy with directness?

Empathy is about respecting the person. Directness is about respecting the situation. Both, simultaneously. Vague language disguised as kindness is unkind.

### What if my own manager is the one needing feedback?

Manage up. SBI framework still applies. Be more deferential about delivery, but the substance should be the same.